Category: Uncategorized

Extravert: to be or not to be?

Everyone who has ever met me (and not just those who know me) know that I am a friendly outgoing person. In fact, I was once told that I was the epitome of extraversion! I often smile at people as I pass them on the street, and I might even say “hello”. I talk to everyone, which has at times annoyed family members who wonder why I know people after spending a week somewhere.

In my family, there are just two of us who are like this – my father and myself. But this is where our similarity in sociability ends – because despite how I am to the outside world, I actually prefer to be alone. I noted earlier that I was told I am the epitome of extraversion? Personally, I prefer not to be.

Jung’s personality traits include introversion-extraversion as one of the dimensions. However, with time and through various iterations of the concept (including in the Big Five model of personality), the original form has been lost. Jung defined extraversion as “a mode of psychological orientation where the movement of energy is toward the outer world” (Luton, retrieved on 7/9/2020). Introversion, meanwhile, is defined as “a mode of psychological orientation where the movement of energy is toward the inner world” (ibid.)

What does that mean? It means that extraversion and introversion are not limited to one’s sociability, but are actually related to how we think of our world. In the former, our thought processes are predominantly led by the influence of the world around us – people, places, objects, anything we encounter outside of us. Introversion, meanwhile, refers to the trait where our thoughts processes are predominantly guided by our own personal belief systems and internalized values.

Thinking of extraversion-introversion in its original form, it is more of how we process information than how friendly we are. Extraversion and introversion are also dynamic, meaning someone may vary between the two throughout their lifespans. In addition, since introversion and extraversion exist on a spectrum, it is possible to be at a lower level of extraversion or a higher one. The same is true for introversion. However, no matter what, you are only ever predominantly one.

I believe that I am indeed predominantly an introvert. When it comes to making decisions, or reflecting on them, I do so from my own personal perspective and am less guided by the perspectives, thoughts or observations from the world around me. Part of that comes from how exhausting it is to “keep up with the joneses”, to fit my perspectives and beliefs off of what I get from the world around me which is oftentimes not agreeable with my personality. The other part emerges from my belief that, like everyone else, my life and my expereinces are unique to me. Referring to the outside world to process information hence doesn’t make sense to me.

However, trying to explain this to individuals who see me as solely an extravert because of how sociable I am has often proven to be an unsuccessful endeavor.  Instead, I have begun to define myself as a “reluctant extravert”.

What do I mean? Basically, although I interact with the world around me more than other people would, I do so through my personal lens, finding evidence for and against my personal thoughts and beliefs (as I usually do as an eternal student). At the same time, since no man is an island, I often have to compromise my personal perspective to take into account the valid perspectives of others. While I may not be averse to doing so professionally, it is more of a problem when I have to do it in the outside world. However, my desire to avoid conflict often wins out in that battle. Hence, I am a reluctant extravert.

That’s not to say people cannot be extraverts and proud of it, or introverts who are comfortable with neing themselves in the world around me. But it is my insecurity that leaves me as a reluctant extravert and another person as a reluctant introvert. I wish I could be brave enough to make my own decisions without worrying about the potential conflict with others from doing so. Just the way I do when I’m alone.

Meanwhile, the reluctant introvert may wish to ask others or refer to others when making decisions but is unable to either becaise of fear of judgment or simply because there is no one to ask.

Just a thought. I have no evidence for what I’ve written here other than my own experience. But if this thought has elicited self-reflection, then it has done its job.

Mirroring: A Subtle Way to Effect Change.

I’ve grown up in a house of noise. My mom’s hearing has always been a problem since we were young, and my dad’s absentmindedness often left us feeling like we had to be particularly loud to be heard (or that he had to be). Sometimes it felt like we were all vying for attention, with one person’s voice being drowned out by another’s. Conversations, TV shows, music…all of it was at decibel levels that might even be considered noise pollution! Add to that the fact that I have ADHD and often don’t pay attention to how loud I get when I’m excited, and you have a therapist who sticks to a professional volume in the office, but not outside of it!

This higher decibel level at which I talk is completely opposite to my nature, however. As a kid, the lack of predictability in the response people had when I came in taught me to always come in quietly. In fact, I have been guilty of startling people with an alarming frequency because I unwittingly make no noise coming into a room. As a countermeasure, I learned to announce my entrance before I came into a room, at least when I’m on my own, either by starting to speak before coming in or wearing high heels!

In all cases, I do attempt to lower my volume. What caught my attention, however, is how bashful or apologetic a person appeared when they told me to tone it down. Or how they would apologize after saying it. Indeed, there’s been a few times when I’ve had to tell them “it’s fine, I didn’t realize how loud I got!” There have been times where I’ve been on the other side, too. People who talk too loudly, or too much. My running thought is usually “wow, so THAT’S how I sound!”. I guess my tolerance for these people comes from the fact that I can identify with them.

But it is possible to bring down the tone without making a clear statement when the concern is of offending the person. How? Mirroring.

Mirroring is a subconscious form of communication where thoughts, behaviors or emotions expressed by one individual elicit a same or similar state in the other individual. Kind of like when we spend time with someone who’s in a good mood (and we’re feeling neutral) we start feeling good, too. Or when we talk about “infectious smiles” – the smile of the other person automatically brings out one of our own.

Talking to someone who is excited in a calm voice while still using words expressing excitement is one way to help the individual calm down. The verbal message is the same as the person is expressing. But the energy level in the paraverbal (i.e.. tone, volume, pitch, etc) and non-verbal communication is intentionally less than the speaker’s. The speaker, if (s)he feels connected to the listener, will unintentionally be calmer non-verbally and paraverbally.

You might have noticed that I added a couple of caveats here. One, mirroring of emotional states is more effective when the states aren’t too diametrically opposite; and two, there must be a degree of rapport between the individuals.

For the first point, it is more likely that we can connect with an angry individual by being calm rather than by being happy. Anger and happiness are antagonistic enough that the individual couldn’t mirror the emotion even if it was intentional. When the individual becomes calm, mirroring can then involve happiness, as it is no longer beyond the brain’s capacity to transition between the emotional states.

The second point is that of rapport. For one’s internal state to be influenced by another’s, there must be enough value given to the relationship by both individuals. Just as one will not willingly talk about their internal states with a stranger unless they can trust them, one will not br influenced by the internal state of another unless they trust the person. Rapport and connection with the listener, or the person expressing the emotional state that should be mirrored, allows for the speaker to trust that emotional state even if it did not originate with them.

Ask yourselves – is this a technique that you can see yourself using professionally or personally? How would it help? Where would you need to be careful?

When clients don’t show

As I wait for my clients to log in for their sessions, I find myself revisiting the doubt I used to have as a fledgling therapist about my skills and the words of a colleague that gave me confidence.

When I started out, I would schedule about 8 clients every day, 5 days a week. 40 clients in a week would be a lot, but I was still on the new employee high, and I wanted all the experience I could get right off the bat.

Needless to say, I didn’t see 40 clients a week. There were days where none of them showed up. Other times, I’d have one or two. Regardless, my caseload wasn’t really growing at all, and I began questioning myself as a clinician. For those who didn’t come, did they not come because they heard my name and already felt I wouldn’t be someone they wanted as a clinician? For those who DID come, it felt worse – did I do something wrong that turned them off? Basically, did I make them feel worse instead of giving them hope?

In my first year of work, I broke my knee. FMLA wasn’t an option since I hadn’t been a staff member for at least a year. So, I continued working full time, crutches and all. I was still losing clients the way I already did, but now it took a new meaning – I really wasn’t good enough. Surely they thought “she can’t help herself, how’s she going to help me?”

There are times when I’m thankful that I talk too much – this was one of them. I was talking to a senior colleague about how I felt, and she said one thing…”has it ever occurred to you that maybe they aren’t ready?” I stated, “I get that for the no-shows, but those who came for the intake and saw me for a bit…they came in because they wanted therapy, no?”

That colleague introduced me to the concept of ambivalence in therapy. Everyone has a push and pull that plays a role in behavior…”I want to do this but I don’t want to do this”. Think about it – we all have changes we want to make in our lives, but we find that there’s reasons we want to change and reasons why we don’t want to change. One of the reasons we don’t want to change may be because change is scary; “what if making the change will make things worse and not better? What do I do instead of what I have been doing so far?”

As a client, I believe that when we seek therapy, there is a much deeper level of change that can happen. Thoughts, behaviors, and emotions are ALL involved at once. Indeed, it starts right from the moment that we made an appointment to see the therapist. The key is how we react to the ambivalence. Do we return to our comfort zone, and not go see the therapist or stop going? Or do we push through the ambivalence by seeking more reasons for the “I want to change” part of it?

As a clinician, this was a choice I couldn’t make for my clients. Some were ready for change, and some weren’t. Indeed, if the choice for going to therapy isn’t even made by the client (such as when the client is a child or if therapy is court mandated), finding the reasons to change is all the more challenging.

If the clients came in, I could help them in their journey to find out what could be reasons for change and how the reasons for not changing weren’t helping them. But I am not a reason for their readiness for change. That comes from within themselves.

So, when you’re starting off as a clinician and wondering why your clients don’t come in, ask yourselves whether or not they’re ready to. Maybe it’s NOT you!

Discrimination and being a Multicultural Adult

Over the past few months, there has been growing unrest regarding the assaults – and sometimes murders – of black people at the hands of the police. Indeed, these protests have spread globally. Some of you who read this may find issue with what I write. However, whatever I write here is my personal experience and thoughts as a multicultural adult. And the issues that are being faced by Black people around the world made me question where I stand in my little microcosm.

I am a Third Culture Adult, or TCA. What is that? Recken and Pollock (1999) defined Third Culture Kids (or TCKs) as “persons raised in a culture other than their parents’ or the culture of the country named on their passport (where they are legally considered native) for a significant part of their early development years.” So, I grew up as an Indian in Hong Kong for the first 18 years of my life. Extend with age, and you have Third Culture Adults.

It does not completely encompass me, however, so I have begun using the term multicultural more often to describe my cultural identity. As a young adult, I spent 13 years in India where I gained even more values relating to my Indian identity. Having been exposed to US culture growing up, and then living here for the past 7 years, has led to me identifying with values here as well.

So, why this info? Because of how I experienced discrimination, not just towards my race but towards all the cultures that I identify with.

An article came out recently that the Indian minority is being used by the government of a particular country as a counterpart to the systemic racism faced by black people, and it spurred me to write this. Basically, the governing body was providing ‘evidence’ that Indians in their country were financially and occupationally successful, so that meant that racism wasn’t an issue.

In my personal life, I can agree to some extent, and disagree to another. First of all, finances and occupation are not the only areas where racism may exist. However, I will admit that I have not experienced racism in these areas. Having lived in affluent Hong Kong for 18 years before moving to India, our family could be considered quite well-off. Likewise, I have never worked part-time, and have only ever held full-time jobs (albeit in a poorly paid but emotionally rewarding field).

That is not to say I have not faced micro-aggressions due to my identity. From bullying and social exclusion as an Indian child in British-occupied Hong Kong to discrimination on how I walked, talked and dressed in India, to responses from educators in both countries, micro-aggressions were so rampant that I thought they were ‘normal’.

Nonetheless, they were exhausting to deal with. So I made a choice to go to a country where the world’s perception of my identity and what it truly is was similar – where we both could agree “what I am” for lack of a better expression. After all, both the world around me and I agree that I am not American.

Then I started working as a therapist. You’d think we are all culturally aware. Not true. Unfortunately, this didn’t mean there was a reduction in micro-aggressions, just new ones. At the start, they were within my education. Peers unwilling to help a newcomer find people for field work. Teachers asking “oh, so you grew up in British-occupied Hong Kong? You must speak the Queen’s English”. Being suggested to do another Masters degree on top of the two I already had because “doing a Masters in India doesn’t really prepare you for doing a Doctorate in the US”.

Turns out choosing to do my third Masters in the US was a blessing in disguise – it was more suited to what I wanted to do, plus I had more culturally competent teachers who didn’t judge me because of my cultural identity. There were more questions of curiosity about my cultures rather than assumptions. And I was looked at solely for my academic skills.

Then I started working as a therapist. You’d think we are all culturally aware. Not true. One colleague asked “Oh you’re Indian? I don’t know if this question is appropriate, but…dot or feather?” I took it as a question of curiosity. My answer? “I’m an Indian with a dot. I’m East Indian not American Indian”. She needed education, I gave it to her. Let me also add that she stuck to using East Indian after that interaction.

Here, however, was a different type of discrimination – my friends wondered why I didn’t consider that discrimination. Why wasn’t I upset that my colleague had asked that? Why wasn’t I identifying it as a micro-aggression? To me, however, these questions could not be assumed as discriminatory. Yes, the question was assumptive. Indians are not just identified by a dot or a feather. But it was a learning experience for her, and – for me – the positive emotion associated with a successful learning experience trumps the negative emotion of a racial micro-aggression.

Compare this with another experience that I had with another colleague. As I prepared for my licensure exam, a mentor (yes, a mentor) stated, “it must be hard for you because of the language gap, since it’s in English”. I figured this, too, was to be a learning experience, so I clarified “well, even if English isn’t my native language it is my first language – I grew up going to British schools, and the first language I learned was English. My parents would only speak to us in English, too, so that we wouldn’t get confused”. And here is where it differed. Her response was, “but still, being Indian it must be hard”. No learning, just a pretty firm hold on her belief that my skill at the English language was inferior because I was Indian. THAT was an unacceptable micro-aggression.

I guess the question I always land up asking myself is this – where do we draw the line between what is discrimination and what is innocent questioning? Not everyone experiences the world the same way. Many people haven’t ever left their own countries, or even their own cities. They learn how to express themselves from the people around them. Yes, I may be more aware of micro-aggressions in New York city as compared to, say, a small town in Wisconsin. But if, in the end, they leading to learning…if they can be corrected and that correction becomes a part of their mindset and behavior…do we really have to continue carrying it with us?

Unavoidable, but amendable

As a therapist, I see clients with many different diagnoses. Over the years, I learnt one thing – that we humans always seek control and predictability in our lives and, when we don’t get it, we become distressed. This goes for ourselves, as well as for others who we care about. A person with ADHD or bipolar disorder is unpredictable and beyond control (both of others and of themselves), and we start being concerned of their overall functioning.

I then began wondering – why would we seek predictability and control when we KNOW our world is unpredictable and uncontrollable? A couple of days ago, it struck me – our brain makes ‘rules’, or heuristics, for EVERYTHING. Following heuristics makes it easier for our brain to understand our world. In the process, our brain creates heuristics for our daily functioning.

Following a “if x, then y” thought process doesn’t really work, however, in the real world. “If he’s in school, he will be focused”, “if I ask for help, I will get it”, “if I give to others, I will receive from them”. Can you see how that speaks to a need for control and predictability?

So, why would our brains nurture our dysfunctional thought and emotional patterns? Because our heuristics change – “if he’s in school, he’s never going to be focused”, “if I ask for help, I’m never going to get it”, “no matter how much I give, I’ll never get anything back” OR “I don’t have to give to get”.

OK, so what are we meant to do about it? First of all, be aware of it as an unconscious and automatic process. Know when you are seeking control or predictability, and realise that it is, perhaps, your brain’s way of making life easier to understand.

And then, use our wonderfully evolved capacity for executive functioning. Pay attention to the one place that you DO have control over – the here and now. Come back to “I may not know what’s going to happen in the next minute, but right now, I am doing/feeling/thinking…”. Let this guide you to what you do/feel/think next, and don’t let that be the source of an attempt to predict our control the future. It’s not easy, and it is an intentional lifestyle that we put in place every day.

This is just a thought – I haven’t looked for research or clinical backing for it, so don’t quote me. But do think again – do you think this could affect you?

The obscurity of wealth

We haven’t evolved, really. Evolution has been based on survival of the fittest. Humanity has forgotten what it means to survive. We do not know survival. All we know is hedonism. And where does it come from?

“My child shall never want”.

The pain of seeing one’s child desire something they cannot have is painful. It engenders envy, desire, jealousy. But it is only by going through the tunnel that one reaches light. And there is no dearth of tunnels in this life.

So, two children stand at a tunnel’s entrance. They both think, “here’s another tunnel”. One goes through the tunnel, thinking “Heck, I’ve done this before. I just have to get through time the other side, and I’ll be alright”. Meanwhile, the other either turns around and stays in the light without ever crossing the tunnel or waits until someone takes his hand and guides him through it. Delayed or aborted, the second child’s growth is needlessly slowed.

We are, in effect, helping our kids to be like the second child. We take upon ourselves the negative emotions and cognitions that would be exceptional learning experiences for them. We ensure their every whim is fulfilled, excusing it by saying they will not suffer as we have. But neither will they develop the grit, the strength of character – the very will to survive – that our struggles have afforded us.

Ironically, those who face such struggles want the ease that the others have. At what cost? Being wealthy is not being rich. Being strong, being resilient, being able to cope with a harsh world, THAT is richness. Facing the tunnel and not fearing it’s darkness knowing it is temporary, THAT is richness. And it is those people who have, and will, evolve. For they know how to survive.

Let kids be kids

Last week, I was on a bus. Traffic was slow, and I was struggling to keep myself awake by listening to music. At some point, I heard voices over my music, a thing that I felt was rare in the US. I took out my headphone to hear a woman arguing with another with a child. The child had apparently touched the other woman on the knee, which had aggravated her.

As I put my headphone back into my ear with a sigh, I found myself wondering once more about children. Or rather, about our reactions to children, be they our own, our friends’, or those of complete strangers. We see infants and we think, “oh, how cute.” Sometimes, we don’t even think that. Every act of the child is assessed on adult standards – their crying, their movements, the things they say – and then hold the child’s elders responsible for when the child does not fit what we expect. Children cry when they’re hungry or upset. They LEARN to control it, but that doesn’t mean that they can do so all the time. We adults can’t, so how do we expect them to?

Yet a baby crying in the subway or on a bus is unacceptable, earning many dirty stares – and, sometimes, harsh comments – to the adult accompanying them. Children like to explore. They enjoy their expeditions in all those activities that we find mundane and boring. And yet we get annoyed at the boisterous little boy who touches things we think he shouldn’t (even if doing so would not lead him to direct or indirect bodily harm). We give stern glances to the little girl who asks us innocent questions and then for clarity about those questions. Few of us have taken a flight where there hasn’t been a child on board. And yet, when we do, we grumble about the sound of the baby crying or the ‘hyperactivity’ of the little girl excited about taking the flight. Flights are difficult sometimes, and if they can make us uncomfortable, how do we believe that a baby won’t cry, or that a child won’t run up and down the aisle to relieve his or her boredom?

On the one hand, we encourage children to be curious. And on the other, when a child asks us questions, sometimes embarrassing ones, we give them the cold shoulder or even a sharp look. Why? Because they asked such a question. Because they actually wanted to know something. They dared to want to learn from a complete stranger. How could they.

In all honesty, they absolutely can – that is what we encourage nowadays, independent thought built on asking questions, learning something new and incorporating it into an existing knowledge base. I can still recall a time when a young preschool student of mine asked a heavy-set woman, “are you going to have a baby?” I was terrified about her reaction, but she laughed and said, “No, that’s just my belly”. I went to her to apologize, but she smiled at me and said, ” well, at least he learned that not all big bellies are a sign of being pregnant!”

WHAT ABOUT THE PARENTS? In a myriad of cases, parents are unnecessarily held responsible for their children behaving in a very natural way. We somehow expect them to have become superhuman, and capable of watching their children 24/7. We cannot believe that there may be circumstances unique to them that force them into a situation of having to control their children more than normal. People would not have been so mad at, say, a mother and father of twins boys who were on the autism spectrum, who could not control their them on a 17-hour flight, but had no choice but to take the flight to get specialized treatment for the two preschoolers.

It is impossible to say all parents are good, that all of them are not to be held responsible. In certain cases, they are. When they neglect their children, or punish them so harshly that the children no longer know what is right or wrong, what is good about them and what they can rectify, then we all can say that they aren’t doing right by their children. But until we know the circumstances, can we really point fingers? We were all children once. Why begrudge them the freedom that we once had or desired ourselves?

When we lost ourselves…

It’s been more than a year that I arrived in the US.  Today, I received news that an childhood friend of mine was coming to visit tomorrow.  “What’s so big about that?” I hear people wondering.  Well, you’re right, it isn’t a big deal…in itself, at least.  But what made a big deal is what feelings it elicits.

Meeting an old friend, for the longest time, was a wonderful concept to me – to catch up on old times, to reminisce over the crazy, fun and entertaining life we had together as kids.  However, that seems to be a rare phenomenon. I have always been in search of that one relationship – the one which continued to have value even over the years.  It appears, on a daily basis, that such a persevering relationship does not exist.  People do forget others.  And there is nothing that changes that.

Indeed, not even blood can keep two people close.  Sure, if you’re immediate siblings, then there is no question.  But as soon as one speaks of first cousins, or aunts, or uncles. things change drastically.  A cousin you have grown up with may have already forgotten all about you, and you feel it painfully when you stay with them for a week. In some cases, not even that long – my erstwhile best friend from back home (whom I believed closer to me than my very own sister) was so different when I saw her, just for lunch, that I realized then and there she had become the kind of shallow people that we once used to make fun of.

Why the change? To fit in.  Children yearn to be what they are not, and then become exactly that as adults.  We mocked the superficial, uncaring world of the ‘popular’ kids, but that did not mean that we did not want to be one of them.  We laughed at those people who had drunken sprees with one another on the weekends, but that did not mean we did not wish to be asked to those selfsame events.

Being part of the ‘in’ group DOES mean the world to a person, even if they appear unaffected by the very existence of the group, or show a blatant dislike for it.  And this is what changes many of them as adults.  We become that which we weren’t in childhood with the belief that this is what will make us happy in the future.  and along with that comes a very sad situation – we unwittingly let go of those relationships that could have meant something even more valuable than that which we are now receiving.

Take for example the cousin I had mentioned.  Right now, the cousin is very popular, with many friends that he goes drinking with almost every weekend.  But at the same time, he competes relentlessly with my sister, who is the least interested in such trivialities, and disregards my existence as well.  And yet, as a young man, he was the most warm and considerate relative I had ever had.

Sure, on our own, he may revert to the ‘old’ person, although I must admit that’s only with me.  And yet I have seen the other side of him, which has altered our relationship irrevocably.  No longer can I trust him to be the person that I once admired and looked up to – the person I loved with all my heart.  That person has been hidden so deep within him, that I can’t find him.  And even now, I wonder whether the change was worth it.

My sister, I guess, has changed, too.  But her very essence remains the same.  She is as independent, as confident,  and – yes – as headstrong as she ever was.  At times, this distresses her.  But she never let go of who she was, and – to me and to all her friends that she kept since we were kids – that was her most irresistible trait.

I have to say that I changed, too.  I tried to become one of “those” kids – the popular, the favored – and yet my own, inborn naivete and unawareness of the pitfalls that befell those who were popular led to me reverting back to the person I once was.  But there was an unexpected boon from all that I suffered after my change…I became unintentionally popular. Question is, did I already have to the skills to do so, or did I gain them through the trials in my life?

But that is another matter altogether.  I will not say change is a bad thing.  Quite the contrary, it makes life worth living.  But how much is the question.

In school, it hurts to be grouped as geeks, nerds, losers, rejects, jocks or bimbos.  So we strive to remove ourselves from the group, and in the process we lose our own essence. 

At times I wonder, maybe those nicknames in schools – geeks, nerds, losers, rejects, jocks, bimbos – could actually be used for the benefit of the students.  The geeks and the nerds are the brains in the school. The losers and the rejects are the last word in  individuality and genuineness. The jocks and the bimbos are the social leaders.  And each of them are a bit of the other – don’t the nerds and geeks, the losers and the rejects, band together in their own way?  Don’t the jocks and the bimbos show their intelligence and skills in some way or another?

Should children feel that the way they are is “not good enough”, or should we engender in them a love for who they are?  We weren’t just members of those groups because of the stereotypical definitions of them.  We were ourselves within them, and we lost ourselves as we grew up fighting against our own nature to become something we never were in the beginning.  We buried within ourselves those very qualities that would have, perhaps, made us as loved as we wanted to be in the first place.

As a counselor, I often found myself telling kids, “You may think you don’t want to be a certain way right now.  But believe me, once you’re out of here, there will be no other way you want to be”.  Of course, no one believes it at the time.  But it is the truth – who you are right now is who you want to be.  If you weren’t meant to be that way, you are better off not being that way.

I just hope someday we can get this message to all kids…maybe then we won’t have another or Eric Harris, Dylan Klebold, or Jaylen Fryberg.