The Value of Being Immature

I am a 39 years old woman. I have often, however, heard how I am naive, or child-like, or even immature. For the longest time, I resented being told these. It’s amazing how our perspectives can change with a little self-reflection.

It occurred to me one day that it is just as easy for me to be an adult as it is for me to be a child. Since I believe that no one thing can exist without its opposite (e.g. we know sadness because we know what happiness feels like, we know light because we’ve seen dark), it started to make sense that with being mature, we are naturally childish at times.

Thinking about it, I have always been able to develop relationships with kids. Indeed, when I started my current job, my clients were children for the most part. Out of 48 clients, I had – at one point – only 2 young adults. All the rest were between the ages of 4 and 10 years.

My child-like nature is what I use when I connect with my younger clients. I maintain confidentiality even with a 4 years old child (although I do tell them that I can help them tell something to their caregiver if they want). I play games with them, join them in their excitement at the little things, and – perhaps most importantly – ask parents not to consider behaviors as “bad” but rather as exploratory. 

Exploration is one of the ways we learn. We try something out, if it leads to good consequences we keep doing it. If it doesn’t, we stop. Classic operant conditioning, right? It’s something we do throughout our lives, the difference being that we are capable of thinking before taking action as adults while, as children, we act and then learn from the consequences.

That doesn’t mean that we are always insightful as adults, though – we’ve all attempted something in our lives that hasn’t led to good consequences and decided not to do that again. After all, we are not omniscient, we can’t predict everything in the world. So, sometimes our explorations are much like those that kids do. Yes, sometimes we are ALL childish.

Going back to my belief that one thing can only exist because we know of its opposite, we often know we are being mature if we look at times when we were childish. The difference, however is HOW we look at it. What if we looked at our previous behavior without judgment? Not with “I can’t believe I ever thought that!” but rather with a sense of “well, that was I thought at the time” or “I learned something new from that”? And with the acceptance that taking action and facing negative consequences of it can happen again, and that would be OK?

Essentially, being childish isn’t a bad thing. Because it is a part of who we are – we had to be a child to get to where we are today. Valuing the child in us doesn’t negate our maturity – it adds to it.

More than a Diagnosis: a Different Approach.

I hold a very basic principle that guides my work as a therapist – everyone is born good, it is their actions that can be considered “bad” (maladaptive, destructive, violent, etc). Even personality disorders are developed in response to events that an individual experiences.

Take, for example, borderline personality disorder. There is a significant amount of research that correlates trauma history with borderline personality disorder. This is not solely traumatic events in adulthood, but also in childhood. Why do I bring the distinction up? Because I believe childhood trauma precedes the development and presence of Borderline Personality Disorder. Is it not possible, then, for an individual to develop Borderline Personality Disorder in response to events they have experienced?

That’s not to say that experiences and actions cannot become habits and then patterns of behavior that an individual is now identified with. William Durant (not Aristotle) once said “we are what we repeatedly do”. When an individual continuously reacts to the world around them in the same way, they may well say that it’s part of who they are. That can be a good thing or a dangerous one. I often find myself rephrasing “I’m loud” to “I talk loudly”, “I’m stupid to I do stupid things” or “I’m impulsive to “I do impulsive things”. This is, however, a difficult activity.

Why rephrase at all? Simply because we are more than what we do. The moment a person realizes that something they do does not define who they are, the behavior becomes a little less permanent and the individual now has greater power to change it. It is definitely easier for a person to moderate their volume or manage their impulsivity when it isn’t considered part of who they are but just something they do.

The distinction between identity and action brings to mind another concept – labelling. Indeed, I would probably never give a diagnosis if it wasn’t for insurance reasons. Why? Because there are no two people with the same diagnosis, meeting the same criteria for the diagnosis, whose circumstances and experiences of them are exactly them same.

Diagnoses do, however give us something – Looking at the criteria for any diagnosis, they are all associated with visible actions and reactions. If this is the case, then what I think makes even more sense; separating the “I am” from “I do” makes it even easier to address all diagnoses, including personality disorders and even psychoses. As we address behaviors, managing symptoms and utilizing healthy coping strategies become second nature as they replace behaviors that have been detached from a person’s identity and improved on. A healthier cycle of behavior develops, and an awareness of this healthier cycle then is developed within the member using mindfulness.

This is the way I have approached my work. It has worked in some cases, and not in others. Then again, who said one approach fits all? Wouldn’t that be labelling in itself?

Neurotic New York…?

A while ago, I read an article by Rentfrow, Gosling and Potter (2016) that correlated each state with one personality trait from Costa and McRae’s Big Five personality traits. Among the correlations, one that stayed in my mind was the correlation between New York and Neuroticism. To the unversed, neuroticism is “a tendency toward anxiety, depression, self-doubt, and other negative feelings” (from ‘Psychology Today’).

I was reminded of an incident that took place when I lived in New York. I was talking a stroll one day, and a man in a suit came from behind me and glared at me as he walked by, much like how a driver might do to a car that he has overtaken. The irony? When I came to the crosswalk, he was standing there just as I was…and studiously avoiding looking at me! Meanwhile, my mind went to one thing – “what’s wrong with taking it slow?”

Of course, there are people who enjoy the hustle and bustle of New York, and some people thrive in the constantly moving, ever animated city. The endlessly changing landscape that leads to whole new experiences of the city within the span of a few months has its appeal, as does the continuous growth that New York embodies. Indeed, I have received my share of incredulous looks because I prefer Springfield to New York – how can you NOT love New York?

For me, while I lived in New York, the energy around me made me walk faster, think faster, and always wonder what was next. Thinking about step 16 when I was only on step 2 became a norm. Making plans, changing them, making new ones – how can I tackle this activity most efficiently so I can spend less time on it, do well on it and also go on to the next activity? There was no time to enjoy what I had succeeded at doing – because there was always something I hadn’t even started on yet.

But it took moving to a quiet city that confirmed for me the fact that the “New York me” wasn’t actually who I am. Taking strolls, stopping oh-so-often to simply look at the sky or listen to a bird, people-watching, asking someone I see regularly how they are and actually stopping to hear their answers…for me, these seem natural. These little acts are where I stop for a second, where I take my little breaks in the rat race of life.

The great Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu once said, “If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present.” From a therapist’s perspective, that makes perfect sense. Indeed, depression and anxiety are two sides of the same coin for a reason; you’re anxious about something coming up, your anxiety affects how you do at it, you remember this “failure” and it is a source of depression for you. You then become anxious that you never want to do that poorly again,  something new comes up, your anxiety gets in the way, and the cycle begins again.

Vacillating between frenetic efforts to be perfect, and listlessness when reality hits us that we are not, seems a part of life in more fast-paced worlds. Being like King Sisyphus, cursed to eternally push a boulder uphill, only it is not Zeus but our very own natures that have cursed us. Movement is a lack of staying still. Having ADHD, I know that it is sometimes just HARD to stay still! But moving all the time isn’t healthy, either – the word “peace” itself does not conjure up an image of motion, but one of rest.

Peace comes through living in the here and now. As it is characterized by stillness, physical or otherwise, movement is missing. For those who are constantly on the move, being still  may be seen as a waste of time. Still, although things slow down, they do not stop just because we take our lives a day at a time. You will lose nothing by waiting for the pedestrian light to turn green (or white) instead of jaywalking – that bus is not the last one. It will not be the end of the world if you do not buy all the groceries you need in a single trip, the things you missed will still be there the next time you go. The sun will not disappear forever if you put your phone away for the duration of your commute home; rather, there may be something worth seeing out there instead!

So, do I believe in the correlation that New York has with Neuroticism? Without a doubt. But do I believe that every New Yorker is doomed to be neurotic? No. As long as we stay in the present, even for an hour a day, each and every one of us can avoid that fate. But that’s just what I think.

Extravert: to be or not to be?

Everyone who has ever met me (and not just those who know me) know that I am a friendly outgoing person. In fact, I was once told that I was the epitome of extraversion! I often smile at people as I pass them on the street, and I might even say “hello”. I talk to everyone, which has at times annoyed family members who wonder why I know people after spending a week somewhere.

In my family, there are just two of us who are like this – my father and myself. But this is where our similarity in sociability ends – because despite how I am to the outside world, I actually prefer to be alone. I noted earlier that I was told I am the epitome of extraversion? Personally, I prefer not to be.

Jung’s personality traits include introversion-extraversion as one of the dimensions. However, with time and through various iterations of the concept (including in the Big Five model of personality), the original form has been lost. Jung defined extraversion as “a mode of psychological orientation where the movement of energy is toward the outer world” (Luton, retrieved on 7/9/2020). Introversion, meanwhile, is defined as “a mode of psychological orientation where the movement of energy is toward the inner world” (ibid.)

What does that mean? It means that extraversion and introversion are not limited to one’s sociability, but are actually related to how we think of our world. In the former, our thought processes are predominantly led by the influence of the world around us – people, places, objects, anything we encounter outside of us. Introversion, meanwhile, refers to the trait where our thoughts processes are predominantly guided by our own personal belief systems and internalized values.

Thinking of extraversion-introversion in its original form, it is more of how we process information than how friendly we are. Extraversion and introversion are also dynamic, meaning someone may vary between the two throughout their lifespans. In addition, since introversion and extraversion exist on a spectrum, it is possible to be at a lower level of extraversion or a higher one. The same is true for introversion. However, no matter what, you are only ever predominantly one.

I believe that I am indeed predominantly an introvert. When it comes to making decisions, or reflecting on them, I do so from my own personal perspective and am less guided by the perspectives, thoughts or observations from the world around me. Part of that comes from how exhausting it is to “keep up with the joneses”, to fit my perspectives and beliefs off of what I get from the world around me which is oftentimes not agreeable with my personality. The other part emerges from my belief that, like everyone else, my life and my expereinces are unique to me. Referring to the outside world to process information hence doesn’t make sense to me.

However, trying to explain this to individuals who see me as solely an extravert because of how sociable I am has often proven to be an unsuccessful endeavor.  Instead, I have begun to define myself as a “reluctant extravert”.

What do I mean? Basically, although I interact with the world around me more than other people would, I do so through my personal lens, finding evidence for and against my personal thoughts and beliefs (as I usually do as an eternal student). At the same time, since no man is an island, I often have to compromise my personal perspective to take into account the valid perspectives of others. While I may not be averse to doing so professionally, it is more of a problem when I have to do it in the outside world. However, my desire to avoid conflict often wins out in that battle. Hence, I am a reluctant extravert.

That’s not to say people cannot be extraverts and proud of it, or introverts who are comfortable with neing themselves in the world around me. But it is my insecurity that leaves me as a reluctant extravert and another person as a reluctant introvert. I wish I could be brave enough to make my own decisions without worrying about the potential conflict with others from doing so. Just the way I do when I’m alone.

Meanwhile, the reluctant introvert may wish to ask others or refer to others when making decisions but is unable to either becaise of fear of judgment or simply because there is no one to ask.

Just a thought. I have no evidence for what I’ve written here other than my own experience. But if this thought has elicited self-reflection, then it has done its job.

Mirroring: A Subtle Way to Effect Change.

I’ve grown up in a house of noise. My mom’s hearing has always been a problem since we were young, and my dad’s absentmindedness often left us feeling like we had to be particularly loud to be heard (or that he had to be). Sometimes it felt like we were all vying for attention, with one person’s voice being drowned out by another’s. Conversations, TV shows, music…all of it was at decibel levels that might even be considered noise pollution! Add to that the fact that I have ADHD and often don’t pay attention to how loud I get when I’m excited, and you have a therapist who sticks to a professional volume in the office, but not outside of it!

This higher decibel level at which I talk is completely opposite to my nature, however. As a kid, the lack of predictability in the response people had when I came in taught me to always come in quietly. In fact, I have been guilty of startling people with an alarming frequency because I unwittingly make no noise coming into a room. As a countermeasure, I learned to announce my entrance before I came into a room, at least when I’m on my own, either by starting to speak before coming in or wearing high heels!

In all cases, I do attempt to lower my volume. What caught my attention, however, is how bashful or apologetic a person appeared when they told me to tone it down. Or how they would apologize after saying it. Indeed, there’s been a few times when I’ve had to tell them “it’s fine, I didn’t realize how loud I got!” There have been times where I’ve been on the other side, too. People who talk too loudly, or too much. My running thought is usually “wow, so THAT’S how I sound!”. I guess my tolerance for these people comes from the fact that I can identify with them.

But it is possible to bring down the tone without making a clear statement when the concern is of offending the person. How? Mirroring.

Mirroring is a subconscious form of communication where thoughts, behaviors or emotions expressed by one individual elicit a same or similar state in the other individual. Kind of like when we spend time with someone who’s in a good mood (and we’re feeling neutral) we start feeling good, too. Or when we talk about “infectious smiles” – the smile of the other person automatically brings out one of our own.

Talking to someone who is excited in a calm voice while still using words expressing excitement is one way to help the individual calm down. The verbal message is the same as the person is expressing. But the energy level in the paraverbal (i.e.. tone, volume, pitch, etc) and non-verbal communication is intentionally less than the speaker’s. The speaker, if (s)he feels connected to the listener, will unintentionally be calmer non-verbally and paraverbally.

You might have noticed that I added a couple of caveats here. One, mirroring of emotional states is more effective when the states aren’t too diametrically opposite; and two, there must be a degree of rapport between the individuals.

For the first point, it is more likely that we can connect with an angry individual by being calm rather than by being happy. Anger and happiness are antagonistic enough that the individual couldn’t mirror the emotion even if it was intentional. When the individual becomes calm, mirroring can then involve happiness, as it is no longer beyond the brain’s capacity to transition between the emotional states.

The second point is that of rapport. For one’s internal state to be influenced by another’s, there must be enough value given to the relationship by both individuals. Just as one will not willingly talk about their internal states with a stranger unless they can trust them, one will not br influenced by the internal state of another unless they trust the person. Rapport and connection with the listener, or the person expressing the emotional state that should be mirrored, allows for the speaker to trust that emotional state even if it did not originate with them.

Ask yourselves – is this a technique that you can see yourself using professionally or personally? How would it help? Where would you need to be careful?

When clients don’t show

As I wait for my clients to log in for their sessions, I find myself revisiting the doubt I used to have as a fledgling therapist about my skills and the words of a colleague that gave me confidence.

When I started out, I would schedule about 8 clients every day, 5 days a week. 40 clients in a week would be a lot, but I was still on the new employee high, and I wanted all the experience I could get right off the bat.

Needless to say, I didn’t see 40 clients a week. There were days where none of them showed up. Other times, I’d have one or two. Regardless, my caseload wasn’t really growing at all, and I began questioning myself as a clinician. For those who didn’t come, did they not come because they heard my name and already felt I wouldn’t be someone they wanted as a clinician? For those who DID come, it felt worse – did I do something wrong that turned them off? Basically, did I make them feel worse instead of giving them hope?

In my first year of work, I broke my knee. FMLA wasn’t an option since I hadn’t been a staff member for at least a year. So, I continued working full time, crutches and all. I was still losing clients the way I already did, but now it took a new meaning – I really wasn’t good enough. Surely they thought “she can’t help herself, how’s she going to help me?”

There are times when I’m thankful that I talk too much – this was one of them. I was talking to a senior colleague about how I felt, and she said one thing…”has it ever occurred to you that maybe they aren’t ready?” I stated, “I get that for the no-shows, but those who came for the intake and saw me for a bit…they came in because they wanted therapy, no?”

That colleague introduced me to the concept of ambivalence in therapy. Everyone has a push and pull that plays a role in behavior…”I want to do this but I don’t want to do this”. Think about it – we all have changes we want to make in our lives, but we find that there’s reasons we want to change and reasons why we don’t want to change. One of the reasons we don’t want to change may be because change is scary; “what if making the change will make things worse and not better? What do I do instead of what I have been doing so far?”

As a client, I believe that when we seek therapy, there is a much deeper level of change that can happen. Thoughts, behaviors, and emotions are ALL involved at once. Indeed, it starts right from the moment that we made an appointment to see the therapist. The key is how we react to the ambivalence. Do we return to our comfort zone, and not go see the therapist or stop going? Or do we push through the ambivalence by seeking more reasons for the “I want to change” part of it?

As a clinician, this was a choice I couldn’t make for my clients. Some were ready for change, and some weren’t. Indeed, if the choice for going to therapy isn’t even made by the client (such as when the client is a child or if therapy is court mandated), finding the reasons to change is all the more challenging.

If the clients came in, I could help them in their journey to find out what could be reasons for change and how the reasons for not changing weren’t helping them. But I am not a reason for their readiness for change. That comes from within themselves.

So, when you’re starting off as a clinician and wondering why your clients don’t come in, ask yourselves whether or not they’re ready to. Maybe it’s NOT you!

Discrimination and being a Multicultural Adult

Over the past few months, there has been growing unrest regarding the assaults – and sometimes murders – of black people at the hands of the police. Indeed, these protests have spread globally. Some of you who read this may find issue with what I write. However, whatever I write here is my personal experience and thoughts as a multicultural adult. And the issues that are being faced by Black people around the world made me question where I stand in my little microcosm.

I am a Third Culture Adult, or TCA. What is that? Recken and Pollock (1999) defined Third Culture Kids (or TCKs) as “persons raised in a culture other than their parents’ or the culture of the country named on their passport (where they are legally considered native) for a significant part of their early development years.” So, I grew up as an Indian in Hong Kong for the first 18 years of my life. Extend with age, and you have Third Culture Adults.

It does not completely encompass me, however, so I have begun using the term multicultural more often to describe my cultural identity. As a young adult, I spent 13 years in India where I gained even more values relating to my Indian identity. Having been exposed to US culture growing up, and then living here for the past 7 years, has led to me identifying with values here as well.

So, why this info? Because of how I experienced discrimination, not just towards my race but towards all the cultures that I identify with.

An article came out recently that the Indian minority is being used by the government of a particular country as a counterpart to the systemic racism faced by black people, and it spurred me to write this. Basically, the governing body was providing ‘evidence’ that Indians in their country were financially and occupationally successful, so that meant that racism wasn’t an issue.

In my personal life, I can agree to some extent, and disagree to another. First of all, finances and occupation are not the only areas where racism may exist. However, I will admit that I have not experienced racism in these areas. Having lived in affluent Hong Kong for 18 years before moving to India, our family could be considered quite well-off. Likewise, I have never worked part-time, and have only ever held full-time jobs (albeit in a poorly paid but emotionally rewarding field).

That is not to say I have not faced micro-aggressions due to my identity. From bullying and social exclusion as an Indian child in British-occupied Hong Kong to discrimination on how I walked, talked and dressed in India, to responses from educators in both countries, micro-aggressions were so rampant that I thought they were ‘normal’.

Nonetheless, they were exhausting to deal with. So I made a choice to go to a country where the world’s perception of my identity and what it truly is was similar – where we both could agree “what I am” for lack of a better expression. After all, both the world around me and I agree that I am not American.

Then I started working as a therapist. You’d think we are all culturally aware. Not true. Unfortunately, this didn’t mean there was a reduction in micro-aggressions, just new ones. At the start, they were within my education. Peers unwilling to help a newcomer find people for field work. Teachers asking “oh, so you grew up in British-occupied Hong Kong? You must speak the Queen’s English”. Being suggested to do another Masters degree on top of the two I already had because “doing a Masters in India doesn’t really prepare you for doing a Doctorate in the US”.

Turns out choosing to do my third Masters in the US was a blessing in disguise – it was more suited to what I wanted to do, plus I had more culturally competent teachers who didn’t judge me because of my cultural identity. There were more questions of curiosity about my cultures rather than assumptions. And I was looked at solely for my academic skills.

Then I started working as a therapist. You’d think we are all culturally aware. Not true. One colleague asked “Oh you’re Indian? I don’t know if this question is appropriate, but…dot or feather?” I took it as a question of curiosity. My answer? “I’m an Indian with a dot. I’m East Indian not American Indian”. She needed education, I gave it to her. Let me also add that she stuck to using East Indian after that interaction.

Here, however, was a different type of discrimination – my friends wondered why I didn’t consider that discrimination. Why wasn’t I upset that my colleague had asked that? Why wasn’t I identifying it as a micro-aggression? To me, however, these questions could not be assumed as discriminatory. Yes, the question was assumptive. Indians are not just identified by a dot or a feather. But it was a learning experience for her, and – for me – the positive emotion associated with a successful learning experience trumps the negative emotion of a racial micro-aggression.

Compare this with another experience that I had with another colleague. As I prepared for my licensure exam, a mentor (yes, a mentor) stated, “it must be hard for you because of the language gap, since it’s in English”. I figured this, too, was to be a learning experience, so I clarified “well, even if English isn’t my native language it is my first language – I grew up going to British schools, and the first language I learned was English. My parents would only speak to us in English, too, so that we wouldn’t get confused”. And here is where it differed. Her response was, “but still, being Indian it must be hard”. No learning, just a pretty firm hold on her belief that my skill at the English language was inferior because I was Indian. THAT was an unacceptable micro-aggression.

I guess the question I always land up asking myself is this – where do we draw the line between what is discrimination and what is innocent questioning? Not everyone experiences the world the same way. Many people haven’t ever left their own countries, or even their own cities. They learn how to express themselves from the people around them. Yes, I may be more aware of micro-aggressions in New York city as compared to, say, a small town in Wisconsin. But if, in the end, they leading to learning…if they can be corrected and that correction becomes a part of their mindset and behavior…do we really have to continue carrying it with us?

How I became a Fan of a Boy Band (Part 2 of 2)

There’s a reason that I split my feelings for this group into 2 parts. One part is my admiration for what they do for the public (and for me). Another part, however, is of concern for these same men.

Lets start with how they dared to start the journey following their dreams, just like the rest of us. I don’t presume to know what their dreams are – mindreading is a nonexistent talent. But they are fulfilling a dream, perhaps without even realizing it – expressing themselves freely and introducing themselves to the world. A beautiful dream, one that extends from the desire all of us have – to be accepted for who we are.

And yet, ironically, the more people they reach, the less free they become to express themselves. BTS’ resounding success at reaching people around the world (the first K-pop group to have an album debut at number 1 on the US Billboard Top 200 is just one accomplishment) is partly based off their willingness to share their vulnerabilities, be it through their music videos, their reality sketches, interviews or meet-and-greet sessions. This very strength that makes them stand out can becomes a double-edged sword, as it exposes them to that much more scrutiny. A side-effect that they most probably knew would happen, but also one that presumably became progressively more real and pronounced over the 7 years they’ve been together.

There is always a part of us that we want to keep to ourselves. Usually, it is the opposite of what we show to the world. Being a leader does not necessarily mean we do not have our insecurities. Being attractive does not necessarily mean we don’t doubt our appearances. Being the one who is often in the spotlight doesn’t mean that we aren’t otherwise introverts or that we don’t prefer to being in the background instead. Those are our vulnerabilities, and showing these takes a great deal of courage. Most people don’t have that courage, and we have the option NOT to show our vulnerabilities to the world. We can choose to work through our weaknesses privately, just as we can choose to share them with others to get through them. Sometimes we slip up and we let them show them unintentionally, but we are very rarely ever forced to show them.

Not true for these men. In fact, this post came off a couple of incidents that caught my attention. An article popped up about a member going clubbing in the midst of the COVID outbreak in April. Another sampled an infamous mass murderer in a song he personally wrote. Then there are the ones not posted in the news – a self-made exercise video inadvertently showing one of the guys with a frowning and serious expression. Another was casually questioning his capacity and skills in two separate live streams.

Most of us can get away with not choosing to show our vulnerabilities to the world by taking time to ourselves and, hopefully, processing our feelings and coping with them on our own or with our near and dear ones. We go for walks, we post our feelings on social media, we go clubbing, we go shopping, we write…these are all our coping strategies during times of stress.

When 7 young men get together to chase a common dream, there’s no doubt that it is a stressful journey. It is also not one that has an end, not because of the desire to maintain a place of power and fame but also because of the enriching relationships developed throughout it. Add to that the fact that the COVID-19 pandemic has forced all of us to focus on self-care more than ever.

Self-care strategies remain the same, regardless of how far along you are in your dream. The difference, though, is how easy it is for the person to do it. Writing is one form of self-care, and all the BTS members write their own. For one member, however, the lyrics were overshadowed by a poorly chosen sample track. One of the guys went clubbing with friends, another self-care activity, but it was overshadowed by poor timing (about 3 months after the identification of the virus). Socializing with people other than the other members and staff they work with is now impossible. One apparently loves to go for walks and enjoying nature, but this is overshadowed by excited fans and the constant presence of security and other staff. Then again, some people do not have an outlet for stress in the first place.

So yes, the BTS members are awesome. They are skilled and are able to do something I always hoped someone could – providing a safe space, music, for people to realise that they aren’t alone in their vulnerabilities.

But they are also human. And therein lies my concern. While they provide a safe space for us to express our vulnerabilties, who does the same for them?

How I became a Fan of a Boy Band (Part 1 of 2)

I recently found myself, a 39-something years old woman, very interested in a boy band (though can you call a group of 20-something year old men boys?). Even now, as I write this down, I wonder if I am simply attracted by their looks, their dances and their styles. In which case, how mature am I in reality? I began to reflect on my thoughts and actions, as I am wont to do when they cause me to question myself. I wondered if I, like many of their fans, was enamored by their outward appearance and behavior. I looked back at when I first began to pay attention to their music.

It began with a friend telling me about them as part of our conversation about music (I had mentioned that as a multicultural adult, I listened to a great deal of music from other countries). She noted how some of their lyrics were based off of psychological concepts and suggested a song that I should listen to.

My curiosity piqued, I watched the video of the song she suggested. Yes, they looked good and they danced well. They were able to do both at the same time as well, as I later found when I watched one of their recorded live performances. Might not seem like much, but there are surprisingly few artists who can simultaneously sing and perform a choreographed dance.

But what intrigued me the most was the way their dance was expressing something even deeper, something more raw. Since the song was in a language that I didn’t know, I decided to look them up. This was the turning point in my interest – their lyrics expressed the depth of distress that came with writer’s block. I went further into their music, and that they wrote their own lyrics based off their own experiences. But it wasn’t just that – several of the phrases harkened back to Jungian concepts. For those of you who don’t know, Carl Jung was the student of Sigmund Freud, and – in essence – developed a more practical version of the unconscious mind and how it affected conscious thought and action.

Now, my curiosity was no longer just curiosity…I actually began admiring them. How did a group of 20-something year olds bring out these very concepts that we use as therapists? And they took it one step further…by using their music, they were doing what I hoped to do one day – using these concepts to help a much larger group of individuals. They were fundamentally introducing these concepts to millions of people!

I talk to my clients and use their life experiences to introduce these concepts, making more practical and real. These men (yes, men, not boys) were using their own experiences to introduce these principles, exposing their own vulnerabilities and reaching out to those of their fans.

So, yes, I am a fan of a boy band. Not just because of how they look and dance…but because of what they were doing with their music.  I hope more and more of their fans realise just what they are saying through their music, fulfilling the goals of not just the men in the band, but mine, too.

By the way, the band is the Bangtan Boys, or BTS. There you have it, I admit to being one of their millions of admirers. And I’m not ashamed to say so.

Unavoidable, but amendable

As a therapist, I see clients with many different diagnoses. Over the years, I learnt one thing – that we humans always seek control and predictability in our lives and, when we don’t get it, we become distressed. This goes for ourselves, as well as for others who we care about. A person with ADHD or bipolar disorder is unpredictable and beyond control (both of others and of themselves), and we start being concerned of their overall functioning.

I then began wondering – why would we seek predictability and control when we KNOW our world is unpredictable and uncontrollable? A couple of days ago, it struck me – our brain makes ‘rules’, or heuristics, for EVERYTHING. Following heuristics makes it easier for our brain to understand our world. In the process, our brain creates heuristics for our daily functioning.

Following a “if x, then y” thought process doesn’t really work, however, in the real world. “If he’s in school, he will be focused”, “if I ask for help, I will get it”, “if I give to others, I will receive from them”. Can you see how that speaks to a need for control and predictability?

So, why would our brains nurture our dysfunctional thought and emotional patterns? Because our heuristics change – “if he’s in school, he’s never going to be focused”, “if I ask for help, I’m never going to get it”, “no matter how much I give, I’ll never get anything back” OR “I don’t have to give to get”.

OK, so what are we meant to do about it? First of all, be aware of it as an unconscious and automatic process. Know when you are seeking control or predictability, and realise that it is, perhaps, your brain’s way of making life easier to understand.

And then, use our wonderfully evolved capacity for executive functioning. Pay attention to the one place that you DO have control over – the here and now. Come back to “I may not know what’s going to happen in the next minute, but right now, I am doing/feeling/thinking…”. Let this guide you to what you do/feel/think next, and don’t let that be the source of an attempt to predict our control the future. It’s not easy, and it is an intentional lifestyle that we put in place every day.

This is just a thought – I haven’t looked for research or clinical backing for it, so don’t quote me. But do think again – do you think this could affect you?