Being and Doing are Different

I am one of those people others think are naïve. I believe that people are essentially good. There’s just one thing that makes me feel that not naïve – I still account for bad behavior.

Simply put, a person and their behavior are different entities. Yes, it is a person who behaves a certain way. But defining an individual by what they do negates the fact that a person is more than what they do.

In psychology, we talk about the Gestalt approach – the whole is greater than the sum of parts. We are also introduced to the cognitive diamond; our functioning depends on the symbiotic relationship between our thoughts, emotions, physiological responses and actions. Taking all of this in consideration, it may make some sense as to why I don’t believe that only one’s actions define them.

There is a difference between lying and being a liar. There is a difference between stealing and being a thief. There is a difference between lashing out and being dangerous. There is a difference between making mistakes and being stupid or incorrigible.

A 45-years-old woman has been drinking since she was 16 years old. She has tried often to reach the goal of sobriety, but falls off the wagon almost every time. It is not difficult to imagine the amount of times she is perceived – or has even been told – that she is hopeless, or weak, or lacks willpower.

We have no idea why she keeps relapsing. The thoughts that run through her mind when she’s not drinking. The physiological side-effects when she doesn’t drink. The emotional numbing that she, perhaps, finds relief in when she’s drinking.

In the process, we provide neither opportunities to learn constructive emotional or cognitive coping skills, nor do we help alleviate the physiological side-effects of withdrawal. She relapses again, we confirm our beliefs that she is hopeless, or weak, or lacks willpower, and there is no change for her situation.

However, calling her an alcoholic brings to mind that drinking is part of her identity, part of who she is. In her own mind, she too may begin defining herself in the same way; “I’m an alcoholic”, not “I drink too much” or “I have a problem with drinking”. Take a moment to consider which of these statements would give the listener more hope for change?

As an alcoholic, it is no longer just an action but embedded in the person as much as their identified ethnicity, personality, sexual orientation. It is unchosen, unbidden…unchangeable.

Now consider her as an individual with a problem with drinking, or an individual with substance use disorder. Drinking or having a substance use disorder are actions. Yes, unchosen. And still unbidden. But not unchangeable. Indeed, old patterns of behavior can be unlearned, and replaced with new, more constructive ones.

Looking past “they do…” to “they are…” not only allows us not to judge a person, it also gives us the opportunity to develop more constructive and healthy relationships with them. If we can isolate a person’s behavior from their identity, we learn to be more non-judgmental. We are able to see the woman as one who continues to have the will to change, and has not stopped trying to do so. A woman with hope. A woman who is strong enough to pick herself up to try again. Indeed, a woman that we may be more willing to help.

Helping an individual separate their behavior from their identity is no easy task. Often, individuals have heard their behavior defining who they are so often that it has become ingrained. They may have heard it since a young age, so that it was organically embedded into their identity. Alternatively, even if an individual did not believe that the behavior defined them, hearing it often enough could lead them to doubt themselves and then accept what others were saying as truth.

At times, it may appear impossible to bring an individual to this realization. We may feel like the individual is resistant. However, we will again be making the error from earlier – judging the person by their actions. It is possible that they are in the pre-contemplation stage of growth; the first stage in the stages of change model.

The Pre-contemplation stage is characterized by a lack of awareness, or a denial, that there is a problem (in this case, the problem being that the behavior is not the same as the whole person). If an individual is in this stage, it simply means that the person is not ready for change. Trying to help the individual separate the behavior from the individual’s identity, then, would be akin to bringing the horse to water but not being able to make it drink. It is important to know when to stop trying and accept that the individual is not ready for such a change.

But it is important to try first. It may indeed be difficult, but once this assumed connection is broken there are simultaneous benefits in rapport-building and in behavior change. Seeing past an individual’s behavior to the identity behind it gives value to the existence of the person. For a person who has lacked validation for some time, this becomes a lifeline, which in turn translates into a sense of trust. Meanwhile, as the behavior is no longer embedded to the point that it is indispensable, it is easier to unlearn and replace with a healthier and more constructive behavior.

A very important sent side note here – We are not obliged to accept everyone regardless of what they do. We, too, have our limits. These limits are just as important as helping those who have not received the help that they deserve.

Behavior must receive consequences. Negative behaviors that do not lead to appropriate consequences are illicitly approved. This is particularly dangerous if we consider extreme negative behaviors. However, such consequences should be limited to the behavior and not the person behind it.

Anything Can Happen

Like a soldier in an enemy camp
She moves silently
Watchful eyes ahead
Ears perked to sounds behind.

Its a short walk to the store,
Just down the way and round the corner.
Yet in her heart she knows
Anything can happen in this short time.

Glancing down every driveway,
Scanning every street,
She looks for signs of life
That could be threatening

Not that she has seen any
Over the past 3 years
But anything can happen
In this short time.

Wait a second.
Her steps slow down
Almost stopping altogether.
A man turns the corner up ahead.

She begins walking again,
Slower than before as she approaches him
Eyes even sharper,
Ears now trained to the front.

As they pass each other,
She speeds up
Her ears once again perked behind
For sounds from a man who had said nothing

She reminds herself
she will see people as she walks
And in front of the store;
Nothing has happened…

“Yet.”
Says her heart.
Anything can happen
In this short time.

Oh, the Masks we Wear!

I have often wondered about all the roles we play in life. We are sons and daughters, mothers and fathers, a friend, sometimes a teacher or student, in school or at work. How overwhelming would that be; not knowing which role you’re playing at any one time, or mixing them up without realizing it. Indeed, that DOES happen.

For instance, many individuals may unwittingly play the role of a student in a doctor’s office, rather than a patient; listening and not clarifying, taking the doctor as the authority in the situation although – as a patient – you are the authority of your own body.

Carl Jung, prominent psychologist (and student of Sigmund Freud) spoke of the “Persona”; “a kind of mask, designed on the one hand to make a definite impression upon others, and on the other to conceal the true nature of the individual”.

Taking this as a basis, I believe that our person as DO hide our true selves, but that (i) we do not only have one Persona, and (ii) that we do have a choice about which Persona we use at different times. Given that my conceptualization of Jung’s Persona is different, I prefer to think in terms of “masks”.

As a student, we have facets that come to the fore; listening, open to learning, conscientious in completing our schoolwork and homework, and so forth. As a patient, these may shift – we increase the value of speaking, our conscientious now only focuses on the task of taking our medication or following suggestions, and we have a greater awareness of our bodies.

In social relationships, too, do we wear masks. These masks, depending on our relationship with the person in front of us, can have more or less solidity as well as have different facets. I may be more goofy and silly with one friend or group of friends, but be more mature with another. And there is always the case of being able to share some things with our friends that we don’t share with our family and/or vice versa.

Underneath all of these masks, however, is our true selves. A conscientious person, for instance, may be more so in one situation and less in another, but that does not mean they stop being conscientious altogether. I do not stop being mature completely with one group of friends, or cease making jokes with the other. The difference here is in levels.

Some may consider using these masks as hypocrisy – after all, one’s true self is not the same as one is portraying. A mask, however, obscures the true nature of a person, but it does not change it and does not express the opposite. If the person who speaks of politics is a Democrat, for instance, they may keep quiet about the same if they wish, but it is when they express support for the Republican party or its politics that we can consider the person a hypocrite.

To be a hypocrite, however, one has to be fully aware that they are going against their true selves – that which lies behind the mask. It is only when we know what facets lie behind the mask that we can decide the degree to which we want to express them, if at all.

For instance, I know I am empathetic. This may be more visible in my work as a therapist but slightly less as a teacher (at least in schools where information dissemination is more important than meaningful learning, but that is a topic for another post!) However, even if the level at which I express it may differ, that does not change the fact that I am empathetic.

Why is it so important to remember that we wear masks? Because the mask is not the whole of our true selves, but only a part of it. One’s true self is the foundation for our masks, not the other way around. And since no one knows our true selves as well as we do, we are the ones who decide how to create our masks the way that fits US best in the role we play.

Here I come to the second aspect of ‘masks’. I believe that our choice of mask isn’t only dependent on making a definite impression on others, but rather the aspects of our true selves that we are comfortable sharing with the other person.

For example, someone may choose to show a concrete mask to a person they have just met rather than a less solid one (as is often the case with individuals with trauma history). That might not lead to a definite impression. In fact, it would be possible that the individual left no impression on the person.

The importance of agency, or a person’s choice, figures into the masks we use. We choose how to create our mask based not on the impression we want to make, but how comfortable we would feel wearing it. The mask must conform to our true selves for it to be comfortable, and depending on the outside world for such information would be ineffective. Doing so could also confuse us about our own true selvesw or could lead to us being hypocrites.

Masks are not a bad thing – often we will meet individuals with whom some facet or another of our true selves would be incompatible. Masks allow us to interact with various people with minimal distress, and can be altered or exchanged for other masks if significant incompatibility is noticed.

It is when we wear the masks for ourselves, however, that they may be dangerous. If the masks begin to be the source of who our true selves are, there is a risk of us ignoring or even going directly against who we believe we are. In such a situation, one would in effect allow the world to suppress one’s true identity, increasing emotional and psychological distress in the process.

Perhaps the one of the most important things to remember is to take off one’s mask with themselves. Being free of masks allows us to breathe, to be ourselves in a wholistic and healthy way. To explore if the world outside had given us anything that we wanted to identify with, that we liked or disliked…to add to our true selves that becomes more detailed every day.

So, go ahead. Enjoy your ‘student mask’, ‘teacher mask’, ‘friend mask’, ‘daughter mask’, ‘son mask’…just remember to hang it up at the door when you get home.

Enjoy the Silence.

I have ADHD, I am considered an extrovert, and my being quiet has often led to others believing that I am depressed. The truth is, however…I recognize the importance of being with myself in silence.

How often do we face silence and either try to fill it with words or with doing something (like play with our phones)? Silence is difficult for most people – when we are with another person, we feel like there should be some form of communication happening. When there ISN’T anyone around, we seek them out virtually.

Admittedly, no man (or woman, or child) is an island. Social well-being is, after all, a part of our overall well-being. But words are not the only way we can be social. Indeed, verbal communication makes up only a quarter of what we are sharing with another.

Those silences? They are actually full of conversation, we just don’t realize it. Consider how some silences feel comfortable while others agitate us. How we perceive the silence depends on so many things – It might be the person we’re with, or the context, our expectations or what we think the other person expects. It may even be the impression we want to make.

Silence is, in fact, an opportunity to use our non-verbal skills to express what we would use words for. I recall sitting next to my sister in silence one day. She sat there on her phone, I sat next to her, desperately restraining myself from telling her “you know, it’s rude to be on your phone when I’m sitting right here. If nothing, at least we could DO something together”. I knew from experience, however, that verbalizing this often led to arguments which I did not want to waste my time on.

So, I tried something new – I turned towards her at an angle, took my phone out and fiddled with it, but looked up at her in intervals. At one point, she caught my eye and asked, “what?” My response was simple – “if you’re done, can we do something together?” I had not said anything to catch her attention, and yet she heard me loud and clear. There is a reason that non-verbal communication makes up more than half of our communication (if you’re wondering, the other quarter of communication is para-verbal, sounds that replace words (like grunts, or “m-hmm”).

Of course, at times it is silence because there IS no one to talk to; an imposed silence (unless you listen to music, watch something electronically, or talk to yourself). However, even in this case, silence can be valuable. It is in silence that we can focus our attention inwards. Physically, our senses do not need to work as hard as they do otherwise – there is nothing to hear, nothing to say. No observations to make of the person in front of us. Instead, we can hear sounds we would not have paid attention to otherwise, natural (birds singing, trees and leaves rustling) or not (whirring refrigerator or air conditioner). In fact, one of the strategies for mindfulness involves focusing on what our senses perceive in complete silence so as to validate existing in the present.

Meanwhile, silence does not necessarily mean inactivity – we may not move around much, but our minds most definitely are. What has happened, what is happening, what will happen…our minds do not stop. When we are ensconced in silence, with our senses demanding less of us, we have the opportunity to direct our thoughts the way WE want them to go, without having them directed by unconscious processes or emotional states. Self-reflection, questioning the validity of how we thought about events or experiences we had, gleaning from them what we learned and where we confirmed our old strengths and found new ones…silence can involve a great deal more growth than we give it credit for.

So embrace silence. Use it. It isn’t an unnecessary and redundant vacuum – it is full of possibilities.

Kids Say the Darndest Things: The Case for Keeping it Simple

People say as you grow older, things become clearer thanks to our life experiences. I agree with that, but I noticed something different, too. I think we all could do with a little regression. Why would I suggest that we all go against our physical, cognitive and emotional progress? Because progress also means elaboration, which is sometimes completely unnecessary, or even harmful.

Think about it. How often have you heard a kid say something that startles you? Sometimes, they make you think about something in a whole new light, or answer a question in a way that we didn’t even think of ourselves. And perhaps the reason that it strikes us is because what we were pondering for hours, days, or maybe even years, was answered in less than 5 minutes by someone decades younger than us. And it stuns us because of how simple it was.

Kids wait for us to tell them what we think. But as adults, we start believing we can read another person’s thoughts. We plan meticulously how to create something, kids just leap into making it (and sometimes do it better than we ever could!) We keep thinking of success as a long, drawn-out and endless journey; kids celebrate successes every day, sometimes with us accompanying them in doing so.

We naturally evolve as we grow. Of course we see things as more complex, that not everything is black and white, it’s not all or nothing, etc, etc. Sometimes we ARE right, it’s not so simple. Even when it isn’t, however, just how far down the rabbit hole are we going to go? We think a single thought, go into “if a then b”, then it becomes “unless b is c, then if a then c”…our thoughts go from just a single thought to a web of thoughts, each with their own emotions, physical responses and behaviors. Kids say “but what if we just act on a and see what happens?”

In “The Value of Being Immature”, I mention that kids act and learn from consequences of their actions. As adults, we try to preempt negative consequences by thinking about what may happen if we do something. Sometimes we are able to avoid negative consequences, at other times we can’t. Because we can’t predict the result of our actions – the world is not under our control, nor can we predict how it will react to our actions.

If we do face negative consequences, we don’t just try again later, or think “ok, I’m not doing THAT again!” and try to think of another action instead – basically, what a kid might do. Instead, we tear apart our actions, we berate ourselves for not thinking about something in advance, we don’t try again or try to find another solution completely different from what we did earlier. We think and think about courses of action, worry ourselves about what could happen, and sometimes decide not to try at all.

How often have we thought about doing something, ‘predicted’ it would go badly, and stopped ourselves from doing it? It took me at least 15 years to start writing this blog, worrying about how people would react and deciding it was safer to keep my thoughts to myself. I realized I was getting suffocated by all these ideas that I wanted to share, so I finally acted. The world would react as it will.

It took even longer to tell my family how I felt about the roles they were either intentionally or unintentionally making me play which were at opposites to my true nature. My fear of excessively negative – and very hurtful – reactions was winning this fight, but suppressing my desire to say something hurt more, so I took the plunge. Sure enough, I had to weather a storm of negative consequences. But I felt freer, and over time they understood my point.

Kids truly are doing what we could benefit from doing ourselves. Speaking their minds because no one else can. Acting as they see fit because experiencing consequences themselves is the only way they can learn. Feeling how they feel without guilt or shame for feeling that way. Because every action has consequences, and we have no control over the response we will get (nor can we predict it). Because even as kids, we have the capacity to try again, to tolerate negative consequences and to terminate or replace our actions accordingly (again, with accompanying changes in thought and emotion). Because as adults, we do have more choices in how to think, act, and feel – and often the best choice is what we did as kids.

Just do it. Whatever will be will be.

The Value of Being Immature

I am a 39 years old woman. I have often, however, heard how I am naive, or child-like, or even immature. For the longest time, I resented being told these. It’s amazing how our perspectives can change with a little self-reflection.

It occurred to me one day that it is just as easy for me to be an adult as it is for me to be a child. Since I believe that no one thing can exist without its opposite (e.g. we know sadness because we know what happiness feels like, we know light because we’ve seen dark), it started to make sense that with being mature, we are naturally childish at times.

Thinking about it, I have always been able to develop relationships with kids. Indeed, when I started my current job, my clients were children for the most part. Out of 48 clients, I had – at one point – only 2 young adults. All the rest were between the ages of 4 and 10 years.

My child-like nature is what I use when I connect with my younger clients. I maintain confidentiality even with a 4 years old child (although I do tell them that I can help them tell something to their caregiver if they want). I play games with them, join them in their excitement at the little things, and – perhaps most importantly – ask parents not to consider behaviors as “bad” but rather as exploratory.

Exploration is one of the ways we learn. We try something out, if it leads to good consequences we keep doing it. If it doesn’t, we stop. Classic operant conditioning, right? It’s something we do throughout our lives, the difference being that we are capable of thinking before taking action as adults while, as children, we act and then learn from the consequences.

That doesn’t mean that we are always insightful as adults, though – we’ve all attempted something in our lives that hasn’t led to good consequences and decided not to do that again. After all, we are not omniscient, we can’t predict everything in the world. So, sometimes our explorations are much like those that kids do. Yes, sometimes we are ALL childish.

Going back to my belief that one thing can only exist because we know of its opposite, we often know we are being mature if we look at times when we were childish. The difference, however is HOW we look at it. What if we looked at our previous behavior without judgment? Not with “I can’t believe I ever thought that!” but rather with a sense of “well, that was I thought at the time” or “I learned something new from that”? And with the acceptance that taking action and facing negative consequences of it can happen again, and that would be OK?

Essentially, being childish isn’t a bad thing. Because it is a part of who we are – we had to be a child to get to where we are today. Valuing the child in us doesn’t negate our maturity – it adds to it.

More than a Diagnosis: a Different Approach.

I hold a very basic principle that guides my work as a therapist – everyone is born good, it is their actions that can be considered “bad” (maladaptive, destructive, violent, etc). Even personality disorders are developed in response to events that an individual experiences.

Take, for example, borderline personality disorder. There is a significant amount of research that correlates trauma history with borderline personality disorder. This is not solely traumatic events in adulthood, but also in childhood. Why do I bring the distinction up? Because I believe childhood trauma precedes the development and presence of Borderline Personality Disorder. Is it not possible, then, for an individual to develop Borderline Personality Disorder in response to events they have experienced?

That’s not to say that experiences and actions cannot become habits and then patterns of behavior that an individual is now identified with. William Durant (not Aristotle) once said “we are what we repeatedly do”. When an individual continuously reacts to the world around them in the same way, they may well say that it’s part of who they are. That can be a good thing or a dangerous one. I often find myself rephrasing “I’m loud” to “I talk loudly”, “I’m stupid to I do stupid things” or “I’m impulsive to “I do impulsive things”. This is, however, a difficult activity.

Why rephrase at all? Simply because we are more than what we do. The moment a person realizes that something they do does not define who they are, the behavior becomes a little less permanent and the individual now has greater power to change it. It is definitely easier for a person to moderate their volume or manage their impulsivity when it isn’t considered part of who they are but just something they do.

The distinction between identity and action brings to mind another concept – labelling. Indeed, I would probably never give a diagnosis if it wasn’t for insurance reasons. Why? Because there are no two people with the same diagnosis, meeting the same criteria for the diagnosis, whose circumstances and experiences of them are exactly them same.

Diagnoses do, however give us something – Looking at the criteria for any diagnosis, they are all associated with visible actions and reactions. If this is the case, then what I think makes even more sense; separating the “I am” from “I do” makes it even easier to address all diagnoses, including personality disorders and even psychoses. As we address behaviors, managing symptoms and utilizing healthy coping strategies become second nature as they replace behaviors that have been detached from a person’s identity and improved on. A healthier cycle of behavior develops, and an awareness of this healthier cycle then is developed within the member using mindfulness.

This is the way I have approached my work. It has worked in some cases, and not in others. Then again, who said one approach fits all? Wouldn’t that be labelling in itself?

Neurotic New York…?

A while ago, I read an article by Rentfrow, Gosling and Potter (2016) that correlated each state with one personality trait from Costa and McRae’s Big Five personality traits. Among the correlations, one that stayed in my mind was the correlation between New York and Neuroticism. To the unversed, neuroticism is “a tendency toward anxiety, depression, self-doubt, and other negative feelings” (from ‘Psychology Today’).

I was reminded of an incident that took place when I lived in New York. I was talking a stroll one day, and a man in a suit came from behind me and glared at me as he walked by, much like how a driver might do to a car that he has overtaken. The irony? When I came to the crosswalk, he was standing there just as I was…and studiously avoiding looking at me! Meanwhile, my mind went to one thing – “what’s wrong with taking it slow?”

Of course, there are people who enjoy the hustle and bustle of New York, and some people thrive in the constantly moving, ever animated city. The endlessly changing landscape that leads to whole new experiences of the city within the span of a few months has its appeal, as does the continuous growth that New York embodies. Indeed, I have received my share of incredulous looks because I prefer Springfield to New York – how can you NOT love New York?

For me, while I lived in New York, the energy around me made me walk faster, think faster, and always wonder what was next. Thinking about step 16 when I was only on step 2 became a norm. Making plans, changing them, making new ones – how can I tackle this activity most efficiently so I can spend less time on it, do well on it and also go on to the next activity? There was no time to enjoy what I had succeeded at doing – because there was always something I hadn’t even started on yet.

But it took moving to a quiet city that confirmed for me the fact that the “New York me” wasn’t actually who I am. Taking strolls, stopping oh-so-often to simply look at the sky or listen to a bird, people-watching, asking someone I see regularly how they are and actually stopping to hear their answers…for me, these seem natural. These little acts are where I stop for a second, where I take my little breaks in the rat race of life.

The great Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu once said, “If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present.” From a therapist’s perspective, that makes perfect sense. Indeed, depression and anxiety are two sides of the same coin for a reason; you’re anxious about something coming up, your anxiety affects how you do at it, you remember this “failure” and it is a source of depression for you. You then become anxious that you never want to do that poorly again, something new comes up, your anxiety gets in the way, and the cycle begins again.

Vacillating between frenetic efforts to be perfect, and listlessness when reality hits us that we are not, seems a part of life in more fast-paced worlds. Being like King Sisyphus, cursed to eternally push a boulder uphill, only it is not Zeus but our very own natures that have cursed us. Movement is a lack of staying still. Having ADHD, I know that it is sometimes just HARD to stay still! But moving all the time isn’t healthy, either – the word “peace” itself does not conjure up an image of motion, but one of rest.

Peace comes through living in the here and now. As it is characterized by stillness, physical or otherwise, movement is missing. For those who are constantly on the move, being still may be seen as a waste of time. Still, although things slow down, they do not stop just because we take our lives a day at a time. You will lose nothing by waiting for the pedestrian light to turn green (or white) instead of jaywalking – that bus is not the last one. It will not be the end of the world if you do not buy all the groceries you need in a single trip, the things you missed will still be there the next time you go. The sun will not disappear forever if you put your phone away for the duration of your commute home; rather, there may be something worth seeing out there instead!

So, do I believe in the correlation that New York has with Neuroticism? Without a doubt. But do I believe that every New Yorker is doomed to be neurotic? No. As long as we stay in the present, even for an hour a day, each and every one of us can avoid that fate. But that’s just what I think.

Mirroring: A Subtle Way to Effect Change.

I’ve grown up in a house of noise. My mom’s hearing has always been a problem since we were young, and my dad’s absentmindedness often left us feeling like we had to be particularly loud to be heard (or that he had to be). Sometimes it felt like we were all vying for attention, with one person’s voice being drowned out by another’s. Conversations, TV shows, music…all of it was at decibel levels that might even be considered noise pollution! Add to that the fact that I have ADHD and often don’t pay attention to how loud I get when I’m excited, and you have a therapist who sticks to a professional volume in the office, but not outside of it!

This higher decibel level at which I talk is completely opposite to my nature, however. As a kid, the lack of predictability in the response people had when I came in taught me to always come in quietly. In fact, I have been guilty of startling people with an alarming frequency because I unwittingly make no noise coming into a room. As a countermeasure, I learned to announce my entrance before I came into a room, at least when I’m on my own, either by starting to speak before coming in or wearing high heels!

In all cases, I do attempt to lower my volume. What caught my attention, however, is how bashful or apologetic a person appeared when they told me to tone it down. Or how they would apologize after saying it. Indeed, there’s been a few times when I’ve had to tell them “it’s fine, I didn’t realize how loud I got!” There have been times where I’ve been on the other side, too. People who talk too loudly, or too much. My running thought is usually “wow, so THAT’S how I sound!”. I guess my tolerance for these people comes from the fact that I can identify with them.

But it is possible to bring down the tone without making a clear statement when the concern is of offending the person. How? Mirroring.

Mirroring is a subconscious form of communication where thoughts, behaviors or emotions expressed by one individual elicit a same or similar state in the other individual. Kind of like when we spend time with someone who’s in a good mood (and we’re feeling neutral) we start feeling good, too. Or when we talk about “infectious smiles” – the smile of the other person automatically brings out one of our own.

Talking to someone who is excited in a calm voice while still using words expressing excitement is one way to help the individual calm down. The verbal message is the same as the person is expressing. But the energy level in the paraverbal (i.e.. tone, volume, pitch, etc) and non-verbal communication is intentionally less than the speaker’s. The speaker, if (s)he feels connected to the listener, will unintentionally be calmer non-verbally and paraverbally.

You might have noticed that I added a couple of caveats here. One, mirroring of emotional states is more effective when the states aren’t too diametrically opposite; and two, there must be a degree of rapport between the individuals.

For the first point, it is more likely that we can connect with an angry individual by being calm rather than by being happy. Anger and happiness are antagonistic enough that the individual couldn’t mirror the emotion even if it was intentional. When the individual becomes calm, mirroring can then involve happiness, as it is no longer beyond the brain’s capacity to transition between the emotional states.

The second point is that of rapport. For one’s internal state to be influenced by another’s, there must be enough value given to the relationship by both individuals. Just as one will not willingly talk about their internal states with a stranger unless they can trust them, one will not br influenced by the internal state of another unless they trust the person. Rapport and connection with the listener, or the person expressing the emotional state that should be mirrored, allows for the speaker to trust that emotional state even if it did not originate with them.

Ask yourselves – is this a technique that you can see yourself using professionally or personally? How would it help? Where would you need to be careful?

When clients don’t show

As I wait for my clients to log in for their sessions, I find myself revisiting the doubt I used to have as a fledgling therapist about my skills and the words of a colleague that gave me confidence.

When I started out, I would schedule about 8 clients every day, 5 days a week. 40 clients in a week would be a lot, but I was still on the new employee high, and I wanted all the experience I could get right off the bat.

Needless to say, I didn’t see 40 clients a week. There were days where none of them showed up. Other times, I’d have one or two. Regardless, my caseload wasn’t really growing at all, and I began questioning myself as a clinician. For those who didn’t come, did they not come because they heard my name and already felt I wouldn’t be someone they wanted as a clinician? For those who DID come, it felt worse – did I do something wrong that turned them off? Basically, did I make them feel worse instead of giving them hope?

In my first year of work, I broke my knee. FMLA wasn’t an option since I hadn’t been a staff member for at least a year. So, I continued working full time, crutches and all. I was still losing clients the way I already did, but now it took a new meaning – I really wasn’t good enough. Surely they thought “she can’t help herself, how’s she going to help me?”

There are times when I’m thankful that I talk too much – this was one of them. I was talking to a senior colleague about how I felt, and she said one thing…”has it ever occurred to you that maybe they aren’t ready?” I stated, “I get that for the no-shows, but those who came for the intake and saw me for a bit…they came in because they wanted therapy, no?”

That colleague introduced me to the concept of ambivalence in therapy. Everyone has a push and pull that plays a role in behavior…”I want to do this but I don’t want to do this”. Think about it – we all have changes we want to make in our lives, but we find that there’s reasons we want to change and reasons why we don’t want to change. One of the reasons we don’t want to change may be because change is scary; “what if making the change will make things worse and not better? What do I do instead of what I have been doing so far?”

As a client, I believe that when we seek therapy, there is a much deeper level of change that can happen. Thoughts, behaviors, and emotions are ALL involved at once. Indeed, it starts right from the moment that we made an appointment to see the therapist. The key is how we react to the ambivalence. Do we return to our comfort zone, and not go see the therapist or stop going? Or do we push through the ambivalence by seeking more reasons for the “I want to change” part of it?

As a clinician, this was a choice I couldn’t make for my clients. Some were ready for change, and some weren’t. Indeed, if the choice for going to therapy isn’t even made by the client (such as when the client is a child or if therapy is court mandated), finding the reasons to change is all the more challenging.

If the clients came in, I could help them in their journey to find out what could be reasons for change and how the reasons for not changing weren’t helping them. But I am not a reason for their readiness for change. That comes from within themselves.

So, when you’re starting off as a clinician and wondering why your clients don’t come in, ask yourselves whether or not they’re ready to. Maybe it’s NOT you!