I’ve always been told I’m too trusting, sharing too much of myself on the outset without knowing if the listener may use it against me.
However, that is my philosophy in life. We talk of Unconditional Positive Regard in psychology – That people are essentially good despite their thoughts, emotions and behavior. That is the philosophy that I follow in my relationships as well.
I begin with the belief that people are trustworthy and deserving of transparency. Rather than people EARNING my trust, I prefer to approach others with the concept of them already being trustworthy and that they can LOSE my trust. Thus, I follow a pretty clear process in my relationships. Share who I am, strengths and challenges, as a complete picture early on.
Does that mean I accept everything? Not at all. Over time, I look at evidence throughout our interactions of whether the trust should still stand or if the other individual is chipping away at it. My behavior changes accordingly, too. I begin to become quieter, distance myself more, and – if things continue in the same trajectory – I am more than willing to draw a firm line.
Most people assume warmth is trust and vice versa. I do not believe this; I can be warm, and I more often am to the point that people cannot see the difference. However, I can acknowledge with warmth a person’s nature. I can also not trust the person I’m warm towards – especially if their actions do not support the inherent goodness they carry.
For me, trust is eroded if someone consistently acts in a way that could be determined as being unfair, unjust, or just plain wrong. It takes either a lot of evidence or something quite intense for it to affect my warmth as well. Even when I distance myself, it is by time and frequency of interaction, not by warmth. when that loss of trust has begun eroding my warmth, however, is when I draw the firm line.
Consider the definition of trust. According to Merriam-Webster, it is “assured reliance on the character, ability, strength or truth of someone or something”. I believe people are given more opportunity to trust me if they know me clearly, hence my transparency. I also understand that many people are less willing to take the risk of putting all their cards on the table, which is why I don’t distrust them when they aren’t transparent with me from the start. Here, too, I open with trust, with the belief that I can rely on another’s character, strength or truth; the crux of Unconditional Positive Regard.
As trust is eroded, then, it is not because of how I presented myself but due to how the other has accepted my presentation. It is not that I did not provide the blueprint of who I am; rather, they couldn’t – or didn’t – notice the lines within it. The onus of losing trust therefore stays with them.
Someone once told me “When someone shows you who they are, believe them”. For me, that is the essence of my truth with a caveat. What people show me is evidence for or against trusting them, but the amount of evidence needed to lose my trust is relatively higher than the amount needed to maintain it.
So, ask yourselves – where do YOU start? With trust that can be chipped away, or with no trust that can be built up?
Think Again 